Cristmas Around the World
by SpanishMonkeys
Summary: In which the German and the Italian are lizards, the Spaniard is a dog, the Swede is an elf, the Dane is a reindeer, and the Australian is a...what? IT'S TIME TO SAVE CHRISTMAS! Human names used. Updated every day until the 25th.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**: So here's a new story! *cheers* Anyway, I will be uploading one chapter a day, counting down to December 25th. I used human names in this story because it seemed fitting, but I don't really like using their human names, so whatever. :P Hopefully it's funny. Enjoy! :D

It was Christmas Eve in Canada, and the sun was splitting the rocks. The lizards were wearing flip-flops and the cacti that line the streets were gasping.

"Water!" gasped a cactus.

"Diet water!" gasped his girlfriend beside him. All the lakes had dried up and the tires on the city's buses had melted. Alfred Jones and Matthew Williams were frying an egg on a shovel and-

**Hang on.**

What?

**Canada isn't like that at Christmas. Start again.**

OK.

It was Christmas Eve in Canada and it was raining. It had been raining for weeks and the cacti that line the street were sick of it.

"I'm full," Said a cactus.

"I'm fat," said his girlfriend beside him. Alfred Jones and Matthew Williams were throwing eggs at each other because there was no snow to make-

**Stop.**

What?!

**Canada** **isn't like that either. Stop being silly or I'll hijack this story for myself.**

Sorry.

It was Christmas Eve in Canada and it had been snowing. Snowflakes the size of mice fell from the grey sky and the cacti that line the streets were very cold and confused. Alfred Jones and Matthew Williams were trying to scrape a frozen egg off a shovel with a bunch of broken spoons they found in their garage. One slipped out of Alfred's hand and skidded under a dead bush. It stopped right beside a lizard.

The lizard looked at the spoon. It had bits of egg on it, but he didn't want to eat it.

"Why not?" asked the spoon. The lizard was too cold to eat it. He was cold and damp and miserable. He turned bright red; for he hoped it would make him warmer. It didn't.

"Ve~ What a lovely colour," Said a voice beside him. It was a lovely voice. It had the loveliest Italian accent he ever heard. Turning around, he saw the loveliest lizard he had ever seen. He stayed red, because he was blushing.

"You look warm," said the loveliest Italian lizard.

"A-actually, I'm very cold," stuttered the lizard. And then, he stopped being red, and went to a much colder colour: grey.

"Are you not cold?" Asked the lizard.

"No," the loveliest Italian lizard replied. "I have the right name."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I change my name whenever the weather changes. When it's very hot I choose a name from a hot country, and I feel fine. And when it's very cold, like now, I choose a name from a colder country. What's _your_ name?" he asked.

"Ludwig."

"Nice name. But you need a colder name. Try 'Hans'."

"A-alright then." The lizard coughed and said

"My name is Hans." Almost immediately he began to feel better.

"Nice," he complimented, and rubbed his tummy on the blanket of snow. "Very, very nice." Hans turned silver. "What's _your_ name?"

"Feliciano."

"That's a nice name."

"Thank you," Feliciano said. Hans flicked out his tongue and caught a fly sitting on a wall all the way in Morocco.

"Impressive," Feliciano complimented.

"W-would you care for some spicy wings?" Hans asked.

"Of course!" replied Feliciano. "But I still prefer pasta."

Feliciano chewed and smiled at Hans. Hans blushed and looked away. They were two lizards falling in love. But this story isn't about them. Although they will appear later on. (By the way, the fly was tumbling down the lizards' stomachs, sadly humming 'Torn Between Two Lizards'.) This story was about Alfred Jones, Matthew Williams, and a few other people and how they saved Christmas. And it all starts in the second chapter. So you just wasted your time reading chapter 1. Sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

Alfred Jones and Matthew Williams were very excited and very bored. It was Christmas Eve and they wanted the day to end so they could go to bed and wake up the next morning.

Christmas Day.

The best day in the whole year.

They'd been thinking about nothing else for months.

"What do you want for breakfast?" Their mother had asked Alfred last October.

"Christmas," Alfred responded.

"What's the capital of France?" their teacher, Mr. Laurinaitis, had asked on the last day before the holidays.

"Presents," Alfred replied.

Alfred and Matthew had been extra good for the last few weeks. For example, they helped their father find his Flying Mint Bunny. It was super glued to the roof of the car. (Alfred had glued the bunny to the roof, but it is much more important to know that he helped poor old dad find it. And by the way, they got it off with a crowbar.) They'd spent all their pocket money on presents for the people they loved- A new outfit for their mother, a barrier to the kitchen for their father, and a T-shirt that said I LIVE IN A WORLD OF SMART PHONES AND STUPID PEOPLE for their little brother.

They tied their stockings at the fireplace. They had made 27 cheese sandwiches and left them in a huge pile on the coffee table for Santa. They had cut the crusts off because Santa never ate the crusts. They had left a beer beside the sandwiches and a carrot for Rudolph.

But there were still hours and hours to go before bedtime.

"How long now?" Asked Alfred.

"13 hours and 32 minutes," Matthew replied.

'I think I'll peel Rudolph's carrot some more," Alfred decided.

"I'll make another sandwich for Santa," Matthew added.

The brothers walked to the back door. They were cold and hungry and excited and bored and their little brother jumped out of an upstairs window of the house next door.


	3. Chapter 3

Emil Steilsson floated down under a parachute he made from half his best friend's mother's dress. And Lukas Bondevik, his best friend, floated down after him, hanging on to the other half of his mother's dress.

It used to be a beautiful dress, and now it was two beautiful parachutes.

**Warning**

Don't try this at home kids. Jumping out of an upstairs window is not a good idea. You could break your arm, or your leg, or your head, and if the window is hut, you could even break the glass. Also, in real life, dresses don't make good parachutes, and half dresses are even worse. So don't jump, kids. Use the stairs. And while we're at it, don't cut your mother's dress in half. Just throw it in the corner and blame the dog. Leave scissors beside the dog's bed and blow-dry his or her hair to make it look like he or she has been jumping out of airplanes all day. However, before you blame the dog, make sure you actually have one. Now, back to the story.

"Oh man!" shouted Alfred.

"Good on yourself, Emil!" Matthew (quietly) cheered. They watched Emil fly over their heads, carried on by the wind. His feet just missed the branches of the apple tree, and he landed in the garden, bang in the middle of the flowerbed.

Alfred and Matthew ran to congratulate him.

And then they saw the elf.

Because Emil had landed on him.

"Get off m' please," the elf mumbled.

"Big brother," Emil said.

"I'm not yer big br'ther," the elf replied. He looked very unhappy and wet. His face was always pulled in a stony expression, and his gaze was terrifying. He was wearing a leather jacket that said HELL'S ELVES printed on its back. He also had a nametag that said BERWALD OXENSTIERNA. He got out from under Emil, and then Lukas landed on him.

"Get off m' please. I'm a b'sy man."

"Big brother."

"Little brother."

"I told you," said Berwald. "I'm n't yer big br'ther. Or little one."

"Big brother."

"Little brother."

The elf took out a notebook. He glared at Emil and Lukas.

"Are you bein' cheeky?"

"Big brother," said Emil.

"That's it. Yer goin into m' book. What are yer names?"

"Big brother."

"Little brother."

"What's yer name?" Berwald asked.

"Big brother."

"Little brother." The elf took a pencil out from one of his pockets.

"Big brother," Emil said.

**Interruption**

You're probably wondering why Emil and Lukas kept saying 'big brother' and 'little brother'. Well, the answer is easy.

They couldn't say anything else.

**Back to Chapter 3**

The elf flipped through the notebook.

"Big brother," Emil said.

**Return of the Interruption**

Sorry for interrupting again, but you probably want to know what Lukas and Emil actually WERE saying. Most people in the neighbourhood that knew them loved them so much; they always knew what they were saying. Here is the translation:

BERWALD: Get off m' please.

EMIL: Sorry.

LUKAS: Ouch, my head.

BERWALD: Im not yer big br'ther.

EMIL: Are you an elf?

LUKAS: Are you an elf?!

BERWALD: I told you, I'm not yer big br'ther. Or little one.

EMIL: Are you spying on us?

LUKAS: Do you work for Santa?

BERWALD: Are you bein cheeky?

EMIL: We've been really good.

LUKAS: We'll stitch the dress back together again.

BERWALD: That's it. Yer goin into m' book. What are yer names?

EMIL: Emil.

LUKAS: Lukas.

Berwald took out a pencil from one of his pockets.

"Excuse me," Matthew pitched in. "But why are you being so impolite?"

At this question Berwald's stony expression softened just a little.

"M sorry," he said. "It's just th't I've had a h'rd day."

"Big brother."

"Yes, I do w'rk for Santa." Berwald jumped and glanced incredulously at Emil. "I understood h'm."

"That's because you aren't grumpy anymore," Alfred replied. "So, what're you here for anyway?"

"M lookin' fer a dog. Called Antonio Fernandez Carriedo."

"He's right next door," Matthew said.

"Good. Santa needs him."

"Why?" Alfred asked. Berwald took his glasses off and cleaned them on his jacket.

"Well, you see," he said, putting his glasses back on. "Rudolph's g'ne on str'ke."


	4. Chapter 4

WARNING

WEAR GLOVES AND A HAT WHILE YOU'RE READING THIS BECAUSE IT TAKES PLACE IN LAPLAND, THE NORTH OF FINLAND, AND ITS VERY COLD THERE.

"Please Rudolph?" Santa begged.

"No man," replied Rudolph. "I'm the king. No can do."

They were in the barn behind Santa's house and workshop. Outside, elves on snowmobiles and sledges pulled by huskies charged across the yard. They were bringing sacks full of just-made presents to all the sleighs lined up in a long, long row. The reindeer were harnessed and very excited. This was their big night.

But, inside the barn, it was very quiet.

Santa was wearing a brand new suit. It was red of course, a beautiful bright red because it was so new. He had loved the old suit-the most famous suit in the world-but it ripped when he was bending over to put on his boots. By the way, Santa's name wasn't actually Santa. His name was actually Tino Väinämöinen, but nobody needed to know that.

Anyway, the suit was supposed to make anyone who saw it happy, but it wasn't working.

Santa was sad, and worried. It was Christmas Eve. And time was flying. He had a sleigh full of presents and a cranky, bossy reindeer that wouldn't pull it. He should have been in New Zealand by now, climbing down and back up chimneys. And then there was Australia, Papua New Guinea and Borneo, the Philippines, Japan, and then China. It was night-time in all of those places, the end of Christmas Eve. Millions and millions of sleeping children, all of them waking in a few hours, and what would they find?

Santa was very worried.

If the presents weren't there, that would be the end of it. No presents, no Santa. That was how it worked. All those kids, all over the world would stop believing in him. The magic would die and Santa would just become just plain old Tino Väinämöinen, with nothing else left to do.

Santa was terrified.

"Come on Denny," he said. "We do this every year."

"Nope."

Rudolph, who's nickname was Denny because he was Danish, was wearing his usual hat and was listening to a CD. (By the way, the CD had been given to him by a very old singer called Bruce Springsteen.)

"Oh come on, Denny," pleaded Santa. "There are millions of children waiting for us. We have to give them their presents."

"But that's it," said Rudolph. "That's all it's about these days. Those kids are spoiled. Kids these days. They don't even say thanks."

"Yes they do," countered Santa.

"They don't mean it."

"Don't be so cranky, Denny. This is very unlike you."

"Look, next year maybe. It's a mid-life thing. I need a rest."

Rudolph lay down in the straw. Santa patted him. Rudolph felt very hot and the world-famous nose was redder than usual.

Santa knew.

"You have the flu, Denny," Santa sighed.

"Sorry to let you down," Rudolph said with an apologetic grin.

"Don't worry," said Santa.

And Rudolph closed his eyes and slept. Santa put a blanket over his friend's back. Then he went over to the sleigh. The presents were packed and ready, in sacks of different sizes. There were other sleighs already in the sky, all around the world, waiting to transfer more presents onto Santa's sleigh. All those children to be visited. All those countries, all those chimneys.

And here he was, stuck in the tip of Lapland, thousands of miles to where he should have been, New Zealand.

There were other reindeer. They were good, hard-working reindeer - but not good enough.

Rudolph was the strongest and the fastest. He was the best at reading the stars, at finding the way as he pulled the sleigh over the clouds. He was the best at parking on rooftops. And he sang all night as they flew from country to country, albeit not very good singing. It was still fun to listen to, though.

Rudolph was the best.

But Rudolph was asleep and sick.

Santa patted Rudolph.

There was only one hope.

Santa knew what was what. He kept an eye on all the kids in the world, and their parents and pets. His elves sent reports to him. They wrote postcards, letters, emails, carrier pigeons, and they even borrowed an owl from a kid called Potter. So, Santa knew. The was only one animal out there who could replace Rudolph. A dog. And that dog's name was – ANTONIO FERNADEZ CARRIEDO!


	5. Chapter 5

YOU CAN TAKE THE GLOVES OFF NOW, BUT LEAVE THE HAT ON BECAUSE IT'S STILL SNOWING IN CANADA

ANTONIO FERNADEZ CARRIEDO!

They looked at the dog asleep on his rug. The rug was in a shed behind the house. Antonio's owners put the rug there and left the shed door open so Antonio would have somewhere to go when it was raining or snowing. It snows a lot in Canada, so Antonio spent most of his life in the shed.

But that was fine with Antonio.

Antonia was fast, but so are a lot of dogs. He liked chasing things- but so do most dogs. But what made Antonio different was his mind. He had a brain the size of Africa tucked into a head the size of a baked potato. He spoke, yes, but he spoke English AND Spanish.

Does your dog do that?

Are you sure?

Another thing about Antonio is he liked money. He liked it, but he didn't have much of it. That's why he would do anything to get it. He would pick up abandoned coins on the side of the street, he would even pee on sides of cars so that kids could do their chores, and they would always give Antonio ten percent of the money they earned.

Anyway, Antonio was asleep on his rug. He loved lying on the rug because that's where he liked to sleep. It was a smelly old rug. It was so old, it was hardly there anymore. In fact, the smell was the only solid bit of the rug left.

Antonio snored.

"He's only pretending," explained Alfred. And Alfred was right. Antonio was pretending to be asleep.

THE RETURN OF CHAPTER FOUR

Santa looked at the empty space in the front of the sleigh, where Rudolph should have been.

He was getting more and more worried.

"What's keeping that elf?" He asked himself. "What's keeping that dog?" He put his old head in his old hands. He was very cold and his back was beginning to hurt.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER FIVE'S BABY: LITTLE CHAPTER SIX

Antonio kept his eyes shut. When a gang of kids and an elf in a leather jacket call, looking excited or worried, that meant only two things: trouble or work. Antonio wasn't in the mood for either of these things. He usually never was.

"Antonio."

Antonio's eyes stayed shut.

"Little brother," said Lukas.

One of Antonio's eyes opened.

"Rudolph's on strike? That's a pity."

"And Santa wants you to pull his sleigh," Matthew added. Antonio's other eye opened. He knew these kids weren't going to go away. His lazy day was vanishing in front of his eyes. Anyway, he liked kids. He hated to think that they wouldn't get their presents. And he'd always wanted to fly.

But Antonio liked money.

"How much?" he inquired.

"Wh't?" Berwald asked. He didn't have the best hearing.

"How much will you pay me?"

"We were h'ping you'd do it fer nothing," replied Berwald.

"From the goodness of my heart? That kind of thing?"

"Yeah."

"You want me to pull a sleigh full of presents and a lad in a red suit. And you want me to do this for nothing?"

"Yeah."

Both of Antonio's eyes closed.

"I'm sorry," he said, "but I'm not doing it."

Berwald took out his notebook. He found the page he was looking for.

"I think," he said "there's a m'le dog in Sicily c'lled Lovino who'd be v'ry interested in reading this."

One of Antonio's eyes opened.

His love of his life was called Lovino, and he lived in Sicily.

The elf continued.

"It s'ys here th't a dog called Antonio w's seen holding paws with a dog th't w's NOT called Lovino when they w'nt to see _Thor: The Dark World_ l'st week."

Antonio jumped up.

"When do we start?" he asked hurriedly.

"Good for you," Matthew congratulated.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SIX: THE TEENAGE YEARS

I never wanted to be Chapter Six. I never asked to be Chapter Six. You can't tell me what to do. I'm not eating this muck. You don't understand my music. I want a car. Who said you could put my teddy bear in the attic?

NOW, ON TO CHAPTER SEVEN

Berwald closed his notebook with a happy snap.

"Let's get going, th'n," he said.

"Hold on a moment," Antonio interrupted. "If I go, I'll need help."

"Wh't kind of help?"

Antonio pointed at the children.

"That kind of help."

"Great!" Alfred yelled. Matthew just smiled.

"That's ridic'lous," Berwald groaned.

"Listen, Boss Antonio has one rule. In case of emergency, bring a kid. This is an emergency, right?"

"Right."

"Yeah. So, I'm bringing four children."

"But-" Berwald started.

"Great," Antonio finished. "I knew you'd see it my way. Right kids," he said to Alfred, Matthew, Emil, and Lukas, "Go home and get some warmer clothes on."

The children ran.

"And hey," Antonio added, "bring an atlas."

* * *

Alfred and Matthew were ready.

Alfred was wearing five t-shirts, four pairs of pants, and two heavy jackets. Matthew was wearing three long sleeved shirts, two pairs of pants, and his dad's winter coat. He was used to colder temperatures more than Alfred.

They were both wearing swimming goggles and they each had on a pair of their mother's tacky military boots, stuffed full of slices of bread so that they would fit and stay warm.

And Matthew had his school atlas, because everybody knew Alfred wasn't the type to have that kind of thing.

They were ready to go now, just waiting for Emil.

They watched him coming down the stairs. Actually, he was sliding down the banister.

"Big brother," he said as he flew past them and hit the wall. But he didn't hurt himself because he was wearing all the clothes he owned.

He stood up and looked at them expectantly.

They were ready to go.

Their mother, Francis Bonnefois, who really was male, was upstairs in the attic, practising his bungee-jumping.

Mom!" Alfred called. "We're going out!"

"Where to?" They heard their mother ask.

"Australia, Asia, Europe, Africa, and North and South America!" Suddenly, their mother was right in front of them, upside-down, his feet tied to a rubber rope. He had just jumped out of the attic.

"That sounds nice," he said. He was wearing a magnificent gold crash helmet. "Tell me how the economy of France is doing when you get back!" And then he was gone, back into the attic. They heard his head whacking the inside of the roof.

"Uh-oh," he said. "There go two more shingles. Your father won't be happy."

Alfred, Matthew, and Emil ran out of the house.


	8. Chapter 8

Meanwhile, in the house next door, Lukas' mother was helping him zip up his jacket.

His mother's name was Lilli Zwingli.

"Goodness," Lilli said. "You must have grown since we last put this on you: yesterday."

Lilli had a beautiful voice. Everybody said so. Even the birds stopped singing to listen to her. The toilet pipes stopped gurgling, the cooker stop cooking, and the fridge warmed up whenever they heard Lilli's voice.

She worked at a radio station. She presented a program for people who specifically lived in Canada, but hadn't been born there. The program was called _Pawpaw and Potatoes._

**Useful Information**

The pawpaw is a small fruit, found in most tropical countries, and the potato is a small animal, found in Canada. All young Canadians, especially the ones who live in the Prairies, learn how to hunt potatoes. Potatoes are easy to hunt because they don't have legs, so they can't run away. And they don't have mouths, so they can't beg for mercy. The best weapon to hunt potatoes with is called a potato peeler. Wild potatoes can be found hiding among the vegetables in grocery stores. They also can be found in kitchens, where they nest in plastic bags, often in the bottom of fridges.

**Warning!**

Organic potatoes are particularly dangerous. Be very careful when approaching them. And don't try hunting other animals, like lions or crocodiles, with a potato peeler. Now, back to the story.

The program was called _Pawpaw and Potatoes_. It was very popular; everyone listened to it. Not just people who hadn't been born in Canada. People who had never been outside of Canada, not even for five minutes while down in the southern parts, not even ten seconds for a swim around the Maritimes- even these people listen to _Pawpaw and Potatoes. _Because they loved Lilli's voice.

**What was it like? **

Her voice was like silk.

**Silk doesn't have a voice.**

Shut up! Her voice was like silk. It was like ice-cream. It was like hot fudge. It was like a really good pint of Guinness. It was like gravy. It was like the most beautiful music. It was like a baby laughing, Bambi burping. Like a butterfly whispering, like a peacock farting. It was the beautiful voice of a beautiful woman that was what it was. Does that answer your question?

**Sort of. **

Anyway, Lilli had been looking for her dress.

She zipped up Lukas' jacket and stood up.

"Have you seen my dress anywhere, Luki?"

"Little brother."

Lilli started laughing.

"You made a parachute with it?"

And she hugged Lukas and kissed him on the top of his head, much to his annoyance.

"Where do you get these ideas from?"

The TV was turning itself on and off. It was showing off for Lilli.

"Now," she said, "have a nice time with Emil. And don't go too far without asking permission first."

"Little brother?"

Lilli laughed again.

"Yes, you may go to Vietnam."

The TV changed channels and put the picture upside-down.

Lukas ran through the kitchen to the back door.

"Hey young one," said the cooker, "Is your mom coming in?"

"Little brother," replied Lukas.

And he ran out of the door.

"Hey everyone!" the cooker called. "Lilli's coming!"

"Yes!" Cheered the toaster.

"Is my hair OK?" asked the fridge.


	9. Chapter 9

Meanwhile, Santa sat on a big log outside the reindeer's barn. He lifted his hands from his head.

"Where are they?" He asked.

* * *

They were in Antonio's owner's backyard.

Berwald, Antonio, Lukas, Emil, Matthew, and Alfred. They were holding hands in the backyard.

And suddenly, they weren't. They weren't there anymore.

They were standing beside Santa, up to their knees in snow.

**How did that happen?**

:D

I'm not telling. It's a secret. watch?v=sTSA_sWGM44


	10. Chapter 10

Santa fell off the log.

But he jumped up again when he saw who arrived.

"Holy Martin Luther!" He exclaimed. "You scared me! But it's good to see you guys!"

And then he looked at Antonio.

"The famous Antonio," he said.

"The famous Santa!" Antonio replied, grinning widely. "Where's the famous sleigh?"

"Inside the famous barn," Santa answered. And then he looked at all the children.

"What do we have here?"

"Four kids," Matthew put in.

"And an elf," Alfred added.

"Big brother."

"Nice to meet you, Emil," said Santa.

"'e brought them," Berwald pointed at Antonio. "It h'd nothing to do with m'."

"Well, the more the merrier!" Santa exclaimed. "We need children tonight."

Santa looked down at the elf. Berwald looked up at him. Berwald's glare frightened the Tino Santa, but no one also ever needed to know that.

"…I-is there something you need?" Santa asked, voice low so as not to let the kids know.

"…..Wife."

Also not wanting anybody to know that, Santa quickly spun around and faced Antonio.

"So, do you think you can do it?" he asked.

"Of course!" The dog replied. "The name's Bond. Antonio Bond."

Santa put the blue harness over Antonio's back.

"Is that too tight?"

"Nope! Are we ready to go?"

The children climbed on the sleigh.

"Is that Rudolph?!" Alfred asked excitedly. The Danish red-nosed-reindeer was still asleep on the straw.

"He's having the night off," Santa explained.

"He only works one night a year," Antonio put in. "But who's complaining? Are we ready?"

Rudolph opened his eyes.

"A dog pulling my sleigh?!" he asked, slightly outraged. "I'm going out of my mind."

Santa covered Rudolph with the blanket again and patted him until he fell back asleep. Then he went over to Antonio.

"Antonio," he whispered, "I don't think we can do it."

"Of course we can! Trust me," Antonio replied.

"I do trust you. It's not the speed. It's the chimneys, the bedrooms, the tricky stuff. I don't think we have the time."

"Guess what I have?" Antonio asked.

"What?"

"An idea." Antonio said. And that's how the lizards cam back into the story.

Feliciano kissed Hans on the forehead.

"Thanks for the fly, Hans!"

"Thanks for eating it."

They were under the dead bush back in Canada. But suddenly, they weren't. The bush was gone and they were in Santa's sleigh.

They landed and bounced, and landed again. Then Hans saw Antonio, smiling happily. He groaned.

"Cold enough for you?" Antonio asked. Then Hans and Feliciano noticed it was very cold.

**How cold?**

Did you ever stick your hand in the freezer for ten minutes?

**No.**

Why not?

**Because it's too cold.**

Well, that's how cold it was. And Hans loved it.

Hans and Feliciano jumped onto the sleigh. They landed on Lukas' lap, and then fell to the floor.

"Now," said Antonio, "¡Vámonos! Let's go!"

Santa stood up in the sleigh. He laughed then shouted

"I agree! Let's go!"

And away they went.

Out of the barn door, into the yard, across the snow and up, pulled by the mighty Antonio. Up, up, and away. Into the air, into the sky. Berwald waved goodbye.

**Hang on.**

What now?

**I know that a reindeer can fly sometimes, but what about Antonio? I've never seen a flying dog. Except for the one who was running after a plane and bit the wheel just as it took off. But what about Antonio? He can't fly, can he?**

Nine times out of ten, ninety-nine time out of one hundred, dogs can't fly. Take your dog to the park and say "Raivis, fly!" Raivis will probably sit there and look at you with one of those faces that say "Sorry pal. I'll chase your ball, I'll fetch your stick, I'll steal your shoe, I'll lick your granny's bald head, but I'm not going to fly today." So, fair enough, dogs can't fly. BUT when you're hanging around Santa, you can expect magic things to happen, and that was what was happening now. Magic. And good magic an never be explained. The real thing. Santa magic. Once-a-year magic. BUT here's a secret: This time magic can be explained. The sleigh could fly, and Antonio with it, because kids all over the world believed that it would. The kids of the whole world kept that thing in the air. It was as simple as that. That's why Santa was worried. If kids stopped believing, the sleigh wouldn't fly, Antonio wouldn't fly, and Rudolph wouldn't fly. The sleigh, the sacks, the whole lot would tumble to the ground. No more magic, no more Christmas, and no more Santa. If they couldn't deliver all the presents tonight, it would be over. Kids would stop believing and Christmas Day would become just another day of the year, a day off school, a day off work- nothing more. Antonio was pulling more than a sleigh full of presents. He was pulling the future of Christmas. But he didn't know that. Only Santa knew.

Back to the story.

Antonio didn't know how he could fly, but he knew he would. When he jumped, when he felt his paws climbing the air like it was solid and friendly, he knew he was in the magic hands of Santa.

"I'm impressed!" he shouted over his shoulder.

"Nothing to it!" Santa shouted back.

Santa was glad there were kids on board. They made up for the loss of Rudolph. Antonio flew beautifully, like and eagle with invisible wings.

Up, up they went.

They saw the world below, the shining snow of Northern Finland, the farmhouses, the lights from the kitchen windows lighting the snow.

Up and away.

They saw snow-coated trees and the lights from the Spar supermarket in a town called Muonio.

Up, up, up.

They saw the lights of Helsinki, the capital of Finland. And blocks of ice shining like giant diamonds on the Gulf of Finland. Up, up, into the clouds, and up.


	11. Chapter 11

Up through the clouds they went.

And Antonio picked up speed. They all hung on to the sleigh. They saw stars- millions of them- and then they were in the clouds again. Then stars, then clouds, then stars, and nothing but stars. Glorious, dancing, shooting stars. And others stayed still and didn't shoot or dance at all.

And these were the stars that Alfred and Matthew looked up at. These stars were their map, now that the land below was hidden bu clouds. They were looking for a constellation.

**What's a constellation?**

Good question. A constellation is a group of stars. For thousands of years, people have been finding their way in the dark by following these stars. The most famous constellation is probably the Plough. The Plough is seven stars that look like an old fashioned plough.

"Look!" exclaimed Matthew. He'd found the constrllation they were looking for.

"The Teacher's Armpit," Alfred stated. Thirty seven stars that are shaped like a teacher's armpit. Seven make up the armpit and the other thirty make up the hair.

"Which way?" Antonio shouted back, over his shoulder.

"Follow that armpit, Antonio!" Alfred shouted. "South east!"

And that's where Antonio brought them, through the freezing sky over Estonia and Russia. His paws gripped the air like it was solid ground. He pulled them south, back into daytime. The stars disappeared and so did the clouds. Over the Caspian Sea and Iran. His snout cut through the air like it was warm butter. Over Pakistan and India.

They headed south. And they alao flew east. They were over the clouds again, so they couldn't see the countries and oceans below them. And then they couldn't see the clouds because Antonio had pulled them into the night.

It was nine hours later, even though it had been twenty minutes since they left the barn. Alfred, Matthew, Lukas, and Emil looked up for the next constellation.

Santa looked at his watch.

"Ho ho ho- I hope."


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER SIX-

THE ADULT

I hope they're wrapped up warm. I hope they're wearing their safety belts. I hope they have some sandwiches in case they get hungry on the way. I hope they remember the phone number in case they get lost. I hope they don't make too much noise going over our house.

NOW, ON TO CHAPTER TWELVE

THIS CHAPTER HAS BEEN

DEDICATED TO FLIES THAT HAVE BEEN EATEN BY LIZARDS

EVERYWHERE

And then they saw it.

"Big brother."

They all spotted it at the same time, the second most famous constellation.

"The Monkey's Butt!" Alfred shouted.

Forty three stars shining happily. Twenty four made up the butt and the other nineteen made up his underwear.

And The Monkey's Butt pointed them at New Zealand.

**How?**

Here was the trick: You had to look straight at it for ten seconds without blinking. You had to stay completely still. So Antonio stopped flying.

And they all stared.

For ten seconds.

Ten.

Seconds.

Ten.

Lo-ong.

Seconds.

And then it did it. The Monkey's Butt wriggled and did a little dance. Then it stopped, pointing the way.

And then they were off again.

"Follow that butt, Antonio!"

"Hey ho and away we go!"

South and east. Fast, fast, fast. Over the Indian Ocean and Thailand, and Borneo. Faster than the fastest horse, car, or snail, faster than the speed of sound and light, Antonio dragged them over Papua New Guinea.

And down, through they clouds they went, as they flew over the Coral Sea. They could see ship lights on the ocean. Down, down, because soon they would be landing.

Soon the real work was about to start.


	13. Chapter 13

VERY OLD CHAPTER SIX

We didn't have silly chapters like this when I was young. We had proper stories. And we didn't have pictures either. Where did I leave my teeth? And we didn't have televisions. Or food. Oh, there are my teeth: Biting my leg. Now, how did they get there?

I like the dog, though. And the children. And Santa, of course. Come to think of it, I did have a book with pictures. I had lots of books with pictures. And four TVs. And we did have food once. Now, where have they gone? Biting my other leg. I remember the days where teeth knew their place. In your mouth. That's where teeth went when I was young.

NOW, ON TO CHAPTER THIRTEEN

And now they could see the lights of Auckland, the biggest city in New Zealand.

"Action stations!" Santa cried out. "Now, where's my list?"

Santa held onto Antonio's reins with one hand and searched inside his red jacket and gave himself a good old scratch while he was at it with the other.

"Where, where, where?"

"Where do we start, Santa?" Matthew asked.

"I don't know," Santa replied worriedly. "I can't remember."

And the sleigh started tumbling out of the sky.

They all held on as the sleigh tumbled through the sky. They heard Antonio but couldn't see him.

"Who stole my wings?!"

He was under the sleigh.

The sleigh began to spin as it fell.

Santa knew what was happening. When he said "I don't know," the kids began to wonder if he was the real Santa. The real Santa would never have said something like that. That was what they thought. But Tino/Santa was hopeless at reading stars and streets. He always had been. The stars and streets were Rudolph's department. Santa had a list of all the streets but he couldn't find it. And now the ocean was getting nearer and nearer as the sleigh continued to fall.

But he found it. Deep inside his pocket- the kids were screaming and so were the lizards- he found the paper and pulled. And the kids saw the longest list they had ever seen, a piece of paper the flapped and trailed behind them in the wind.

And that was enough. They started believing again- it was a Santa kind of list- and the sleigh and Antonio stopped falling and the air stopped rushing past them. Antonio could feel the air like solid ground under his paws again.

"No more messing," he shouted over his shoulder. "We've got work to do!"

"It's all the streets in alphabetical order," Santa told the kids as they dropped nice and slowly to the moonlit roofs of Auckland. "With all the children in each house. Abacus street, Antonio!" Santa called out.

Antonio turned left onto the long, tree lined street and, as if he had been doing this all his life, he brought the sleigh over to the first roof and dropped and slid quietly, quietly stopped it on the slates. Not a scratch or a a scrape or a bump.

"Nothing to it," Antonio whispered.

Santa climbed out of the sleigh.

"Oh, my poor legs are stiff. Notice how warm it is?" he asked.

"Big brother," Emil said.

"That's right," replied Santa, "It's summer down here. But keep all your clothes on in case you fall off a roof. Right, let's get going."

And this is where the children, after yeas and years of getting presents from Santa, got the chance to pay him back.


	14. Chapter 14

DEAD CHAPTER SIX

Hello!

It's nice up here!

Guess what I can see out my window?

A big monkey's butt.

NOW, ONTO CHAPTER

FOURTEEN. THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO NOBODY BECAUSE WE'RE IN A BIT OF A HURRY

Emil lifted his jacket to reveal two of Francis' bungee cords wrapped around his middle. He started to unroll them.

"Big brother," he said.

"Another brilliant idea from Emil," Matthew put in.

They grabbed a rope and pulled. Emil spun like a spinning top. He went whizzing to the edge of the roof, but Santa caught him just in time.

"Big brother."

"You're welcome," replied Santa. "Now show me your idea."

Emil tied one end of the rubber rope around his waist and gave the other end to Matthew.

"He needs the presents for this house," he said.

Santa took five parcels from the sack and gave them to Emil.

And then he jumped down the chimney.

Santa knew it was a good idea when he saw one. He laughed, very quietly. Matthew was hanging onto the rope. He felt it tighten.

"Here he comes," he said, and a second later, Emil flew feet first out the chimney and landed on Matthew's shoulders. He'd left the parcels down in the house.

Meanwhile, Lukas tied one end of the second rope around his waist and Alfrd held onto the other end. Santa sorted out the parcels and began to feel very happy. Until-

"Oh no," he said worriedly. "I forgot a parcel. Blocks for the baby."

"No problem. Right," Antonio turned to the lizards. "Get down off the sleigh and show the man your stuff."

Ludwig and Feliciano jumped onto the roof.

"It's getting crowded up here," Alfred commented.

Ludwig dropped his tummy to the roof.

"Hot," he said. "I think I'll change my name back to Hans."

And immediately the heat from the slates felt wonderful.

Hans spoke to Santa.

"Do you remember, if they get presents under the tree or at the foot of the bed?"

"Foot of the bed."

"Okay, can you put the parcel on my tongue?"

And suddenly Hans' tongue was right in front of Santa's nose. He held out the parcel and stuck it to the tongue like a stamp to a letter.

Hans jumped to the edge of the chimney. And he fired his tongue down the chimney, down the hall, and into the baby's bedroom. He wriggled his tongue and the parcel fell off, neatly placed at the end of the bed.

When his tongue came back up it was holding a plate of cheese sandwiches. And suddenly, the plate was under Santa's nose.

"For you," said Hans.

And while Santa ate the sandwiches- not the crusts- Antonio brought the children and lizards roof to roof along Abacus Street. The street was done, and all presents delivered before Santa had finished chewing his second sandwich.


	15. Chapter 15

Blackhead Street.

Chlorine Street.

Dolphin Avenue.

Eagle Street.

They delivered the presents to every home in Auckland. And then they flew on to Christchurch and delivered to all the homes along the way. Hans and Feliciano were able to flick their tongues down chimneys while the sleigh was moving and high above the chimneys.

By the way, Feliciano's warm name was Veneziano.

Fluffy Street.

Gasp Street.

Hardware avenue.

They were finished Christchurch and all of New Zealand before Santa has finished his three hundred and fifty-second sandwich.

"Where now?" Antonio asked. "Australia?"

"Nope," replied Santa. "Head north first, Antonio. We have to beat the sun."

And as he said it, they could see the very tip of the sun, not even the tip- rising, slowly, slowly, but rising steadily out of the ocean far away to the east.

"Uh oh," said Matthew.

"No problem," said Antonio.

And up they flew. Up, up, and north.


	16. Chapter 16

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO FLYING DOGS EVERYWHERE

As they went north they stopped at every island on the way.

Norfolk Island.

New Guinea.

Guam.

And they parked on every roof that would take the weight of the sleigh. When the roofs were made of straw Antonio parked beside the house and Santa and the kids climbed in through the window.

Every time they flew back into the sky there was another sleigh waiting for them, with full sacks to replace the ones they'd emptied. Antonio didn't stop or slow down. The new sleigh flew beside them until the elves had thrown the new sacks on Santa's sleigh.

But the reindeer pulling the other sleighs couldn't keep up with Antonio, not even the youngest reindeer, Nasu.

**Useful Information**

"Nasu" is the Finnish word for "Piglet". And, while we're at it, "Nalle Puh" are the Finnish words for "Pooh Bear", and "kakki" is the Finnish word for "poo." Lesson over, back to the story.

The children looked back and waved at the puffing reindeer as Antonio charged north in his race against the sun- over forests and deserts, giant lakes and football stadiums.

Slowly, slowly, the sun was creeping up out of the ocean, a tiny bit more every time Santa looked.

So he didn't look.

They flew to the far north of Siberia, and Antonio ran on the spot so that his paws wouldn't get frozen to the roofs.

And then they were heading south again.

Korea, North.

Korea, South.

Korea, in the middle.

Antonio nearly crashed in Hong Kong. They flew down into the fog and suddenly, there was a glass skyscraper right in front of him, a few feet from his nose. He took a sharp turn left, and the side of the sleigh whacked the wall but didn't break the glass.

"Who put that there?" asked Antonio.

The Philippines.

East Timor.

Australia took a bit longer than Japan. First, it's bigger. Second, they were attacked by a flock of birds with machine guns.

A VERY ANNOYING

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	17. Chapter 17

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO PEOPLE WHO USE DENTOFRESH EVERYWHERE

Jalopy Street.

Kangaroo Street.

They sat on the end of Lambchop Avenue, waiting for Santa to come up out of the last chimney. Antonio's back was covered in snow, even though it was the middle of summer in Melbourne. It was the snow that dropped on him in Siberia, thousands of miles away.

They were eating some of Santa's sandwiches when they heard a voice behind them.

"Hands up."

They all turned.

It was a bird that was talking and pointing a machine gun at them. There were six other birds with him, all pointing machine guns at Alfred, Matthew, Emil, and Lukas.

They were tall and orange, with red feathers on their heads. Their legs were pink and their claws were navy blue.

"Big brother?" Emil asked.

"We're boorakooka birds," said the leader.

"That's us," his friends echoed.

"You didn't laugh," the bird leader pointed out. "People always laughed when we said boorakooka. Until we got the guns. Now hand over the sack."

"No," said Alfred.

"I have a machine gun. You don't have a machine gun. Hand over the sack."

"No," Alfred repeated.

"Hand it over."

"Little brother."

"It is NOT made of plastic," objected the leader.

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

"Bruce Kirkland!"

Santa's head was sticking out of the chimney.

The leader tried to hide his machine gun behind his back.

Santa climbed out of the chimney.

"I'm disappointed, Bruce," he said. "You said in your letter that you would never point a gun at anybody."

"What machine gun?" asked Bruce.

"The ones behind your backs. Sticking up over your shoulders."

"They're only plastic, Santa," Bruce Kirkland said.

"I know that," he replied. "I'd never give anyone a real gun for Christmas. But it's rude to point them."

"Sorry Santa."

"That's OK, Bruce. Now," he said to the boorakooka birds. "Go home to your nests and be asleep by the time I get there, or there'll be no presents for you this year."

And the boorakooka birds were gone. Just a few feathers floating in the air was all that was left of them. And, as Antonio pulled the sleigh up into the sky, Santa leaned out- Alfred and Matthew held him by his belt- and dropped presents into the boorakooka nest, in a huge eucalyptus gum tree at the end of Lambchop Avenue. They could see machine guns hanging from the branches like Christmas decorations and, as they flew higher and higher, they could still hear the boorakooka birds snoring.


	18. Chapter 18

ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK

DO YOUR MAD COWS HAVE BAD BREATH?

BRUSH THEIR TEETH WITH FRESH-BREATH DENTOFRESH IN THE NEW, IMPROVED TUBE.

AND NOW, ONTO CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

They went north, and back down south, then north again, then south. Like wipers on a rainy windscreen they swept across the world, with the sun always right behind them, getting a tiny bit nearer every time they looked.

Santa could feel the sun tickling the back of his neck, but it didn't make him laugh. It just made him more and more worried.

Bangladesh, all of Russia, Uzbekistan.

It was night time before them and morning behind.

Iran, Oman, Libya.

Hans went back to Ludwig and back to Hans.

Finland, Bulgaria, Chad.

Veneziano went back to Feliciano and back to Veneziano.

They saw lion packs asleep and packs of people coming home from parties.

Cameroon, Italy, Sweden.

They saw milkmen delivering milk and mad cows with bad breath dancing in the moonlight.

And when they came to Lagos, the biggest city in Nigeria, Lukas found the home of his grandparents.

THE BATTLE OF THE PASTE

BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH NEW TOOTHOFRESH AND GIRLS WILL THINK YOU'RE MUCH COOLER THAN THEY DID WHEN YOU USED DENTO-YUCKY-FRESH. LIKE, TOTALLY.


	19. Chapter 19

Lukas had never been to his grandparents' house before, but it was easy to spot from the sleigh.

When she was a little girl, Lukas's mother, Lilli, had climbed up to the roof of Elizabeta and Roderich's with a can of paint and a big paintbrush. And she had painted the message LILLI LIVES HERE in enormous letters. Even after twenty years, the message was still loud and clear on the roof.

His mother had told him so much about the house that Lukas had a perfect picture of it in his head- the blue window, the red tin roof- and it was now right below him.

Antonio swooshed out of the sky over Lagos and landed on his velvet paws next to the chimney. Alfred held the bungee cord and Lukas jumped.

He landed in the big fireplace in the kitchen. Then he crept to Elizabeta and Roderich's bed. She had never seen them before, only in photographs. They were asleep and dreaming. He could tell: they're dreams were sad. All of their children lived far away from Nigeria and they never held or cuddled any of their grandchildren. Their dreams were full of empty rooms and voices belonging to children they couldn't see.

Lukas took out two snow domes out of his jacket pocket. These were Canada snow domes. When you shook them snow would fall on a tiny neighborhood and the cacti that line the streets, and onto a sign that read A PRESENT FROM CANADA.

Lukas put one done under Roderich's pillow and the other under Elizabeta's. He kissed them on their foreheads.

Then he crept back to the fireplace and pulled the rope.


	20. Chapter 20

ANOTHER COMMERCIAL BREAK

ONLY EEJITS USE TOOTHOFRESH-

BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH CLINICALLY PROVEN DENTOFRESH.

NOW, ONTO CHAPTER TWENTY

Above the clouds over Dublin, they met the sleigh that carried the Dublin presents, pulled by a reindeer called Paddy Last. They caught all the sacks the elves threw at them.

Then Santa's sleigh came out of the clouds and they saw Dublin Bay below them. They could see the city getting bigger and bigger.

"Hey Santa," said Matthew.

"Ho ho ho," he replied.

"We're not finished yet, are we?"

"No no no," Santa said. "We still got Ireland, Iceland, Greenland, some other islands, all the countries of North America, Central America, and South America. And Hawaii."

"So how long will it take us? Can we finish it all?"

"I don't know," Tino/Santa answered. "I really don't know."

The sleigh began to wobble.

"Big brother," Emil pitched in.

The sleigh steadied itself.

"Thanks for believing in me Emil," Santa said. And with renewed vigor, he added "Let's finish this! Full speed ahead, Antonio!"

Meanwhile, as the children, Antonio, and Santa were delivering presents, their families were asleep, dreaming. Lilli dreamed of Elizabeta and Roderich, asleep in their beds in Lagos. They had big smiles on their faces. And Emil, Alfred, and Matthew's father, Arthur, dreamed of big, sexy, scones.

"My best before date is the twentieth of October, 2014. Isn't that interesting?"

"I contain wheat flour, vegetable oil, salt and yeast. Isn't that interesting?"

And hundreds of kilometers away, Antonio pushed through a storm.

"I wouldn't put a dog in this weather," he muttered.

"Ho ho ho," Santa said. He looked behind him.

The sun was creeping up on him.

"Ho ho ho."


	21. Chapter 21

Meanwhile, back in Lagos, the sun poked a finger through the gap in the curtains and woke Elizabeta and Roderich. They sat up together. They were feeling happy for the first time in years in years and years.

Roderich put his hand up to his forehead. He had a dream that his little grandson kissed him, and now he could feel it, the kiss- and it was still wet there in the middle of his forehead (and it stayed there, wet and wonderful, for the rest of his long life). Elizabeta felt the kiss too. She touched it, and cried happy tears. (and the kiss stayed there, a lovely tickle, for the rest of her long life and even after.)

They looked at each other.

"Did you dream what I dreamed?" Elizabeta asked.

"I think so," Roderich answered. He felt something under his pillow. The snow dome. He took it out and shook it and watched snow fall on the Canadian neighbourhood. And Elizabeta found her dome and shook it too.

They held hands as they shook their snow domes.

"Canada seems like a nice place," Roderich commented.

"Yes," Elizabeta agreed. "Look, the air is full of sugar."

AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS, THE SCONES

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IF YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH WITH TOOTHOFRESH, YOUR TEETH WILL FALL OUT AND YOU WILL DIE. ISN'T THAT INTERESTING?


	22. Chapter 22

THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO SNOW DOMES EVERYWHERE

Iceland, Greenland, Newfoundland. They flew down the east coast of Canada, the United States, across the sea to the Bahamas, Cuba and Jamaica. They hopped from island to island, dropping presents down chimneys and through windows where there weren't any chimneys.

Brazil, Uruguay, Argentina.

In twenty-two minutes they delivered more than twenty million pairs of football boots to football crazy kids. They went to the very tip of Argentina, to Tierra del Fuego, to the very last house before the south pole.

And they flew back north, through the centre of South America.

Paraguay, Bolivia, Colombia.

The sun was crawling towards them. But they kept going in the last minutes and seconds of darkness. Back up to the United States.

New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming.

The sun was beginning to light the snow on the Rocky Mountains, but they kept climbing up and down chimneys.

Alaska, the Yukon, British Columbia.

They flew south again, along the west coast of the Americas. And the sun peeked over the mountains.

"Please!" Santa roared at the sun. "Give us five more minutes!"

But the sun wasn't listening. Because the sun has no ears. Anyway, the sun wasn't moving- Earth was. But the Earth has no ears either, so Santa was wasting his time. And he knew. It was too late.

He let go of the reins and put his old head into his hands. He wasn't Santa anymore. Because he'd failed. There were still millions of kids who hadn't gotten their presents yet, and wouldn't, because they'd wake up. And what would they find? Nothing. Nothing at the end of their beds, nothing under the Christmas tree. Tino had let them down. He was just a useless old man with nothing left to do. He waited for the sleigh to tumble out of the sky.

But it didn't.

Antonio wasn't running, so they weren't moving. But they definitely weren't falling. Tino looked over the side of the sleigh, to check.

"What's wrong, Santa?" Alfred asked.

"Oh kids, I'm sorry," Tino said.

"Why?" Matthew inquired.

"I'm not going to deliver the presents. All those poor children won't believe in me anymore."

"Yes they will," said Alfred.

"Little brother."

"It's YOU we like, Santa," Matthew added. "The presents are just extra."

"Yeah," Alfred agreed. "And we already got our presents, so we don't care that much."

They all nodded, even Ludwig and Feliciano.

Antonio had now unhitched himself and climbed into the back of the sleigh.

"Is this a private conversation, or can any dog join in?" he asked.

"What do you think, Antonio?" Tino turned to face him.

"About what, exactly?"

"About not delivering the presents?"

"Who says we won't?"

"But it's too late. The kids won't believe in me anymore," Tino said.

He pointed at the sun.

"I don't get it," said Antonio. "One of those kids down there wants a doll. Is it a better doll if you deliver it in the dark?"

"Well, no."

"So what's the problem? Give the poor kid her doll."

"In daylight? Now?"

"I can't hang around till night," Antonio sighed. "Think about it. All those kids wake up. No presents. Then you fall down the chimney with the presents. And you're worried that they won't believe you? Yeah right."

Nobody said anything for a while. Then-

"Ho ho ho," Santa laughed.

"Now you're talking," said Antonio.


	23. Chapter 23

THE RETURN OF DEAD CHAPTER SIX

Guess what I just saw flying past my window?

A dog pulling a sleigh full of kids and lizards.

Ooh, I like it up here.

Hey Elvis, come over here and look at this.

NOW, ONTO CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

They made it.

Every hut and flat and apartment and trailer and caravan and hospital and igloo- every home and building that had a child in it- they delivered the presents to them all. Kids laughed and grown ups fainted when Santa came down the chimney.

They were nearly stopped in Mexico, where the met the Walking Poo of Guadalajara. This was a huge crap that stood on people, getting them back for all the craps they step on every day. But, just in time, they saw the yucky foot coming down on them, and they legged it, back to the sleigh, up, up, and away.

"Come back here amigos, till I stomp on yis!" It yelled.

"Merry Christmas!" they yelled back as they flew on to Mexico City.

And they were nearly stopped when Antonio crashed in Honolulu. He saw a lovely-looking collie below them and he watched her as she sniffed a gate. And he kept watching as he flew past- straight into a palm tree.

"Who put that there?" he asked as they fell through the branches to the ground.

They weren't hurt.

"Sorry," Antonio apologized.

Lukas and Emil fixed the sleigh.

**How?**

They put the runners back on.

**How?**

With super glue.

**What super glue?**

Shut up.

And they were up and away again.

To Samoa, Phoenix Island, and the very last stop, Midway Island.

To the last house.

On the very end of the very last street.

Number 27, Zulu Street.

They stood back and let Santa climb down the last chimney.

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Santa's head came out of the chimney, and the rest of Santa followed.

He looked at them and smiled.

"Home," he said.

"Good on yourself, Santa," Matthew congratulated.

"North and east, Antonio," said Santa. "It's the quickest way."

"Now you're talking," replied Antonio enthusiastically.

Back into the air they went, and Antonio turned and headed north and east.

Home.

They were tired and happy. They huddled together and stayed warm.

Home.

They flew over mountains and valleys made of ice, the most beautiful landscape on earth, but they were too tired to look.

Home.


	24. Chapter 24

And here they were.

Flying out of the clouds over western Canada. The cacti that line the streets saw them and waved.

"Well done!" Cheered a cactus.

"Medium rare!" shouted his girlfriend beside him.

They landed just as their parents were waking up.

Santa hugged them and climbed back in the sleigh.

"What's the story?" Antonio asked.

"Lapland please, Antonio," Santa replied.

"Fair enough," said the dog, "but it's going to cost you."

"How much?"

"Three dollars."

"One."

"Two."

"One fifty."

"One seventy five."

"One seventy two."

"One seventy three."

"Done," declared Santa. "Ho ho ho."

"Plus ten percent service charge," said Antonio. "Ho ho ho."

And he ran, and lifted himself into the air. And, before the parents came out into the backyard, the sleigh and Antonio and Tino/Santa were gone.

"Well, I guess this is goodbye," Ludwig said authoritatively.

"Come along, Ludwig," Feliciano said.

And they wriggled in under their dead bush just before Arthur and Francis arrived.

"What did Santa bring you?" Francis asked.

"Big brother."

"You didn't open them yet?" Francis inquired.

"Little brother."

"You wanted to say Merry Christmas first? Isn't that sweet!" he exclaimed.

"Ah, there you are, Lukas."

It was Lilli.

"Hey everyone," said the bush, "Lilli's in our backyard!"

"Oh wow," the shed exclaimed. "Is my roof okay?"

She was with Basch, Lukas' father. Basch looked up at the sky.

"Notice anything?" he asked.

They all looked.

In Lagos, Elizabeta and Roderich sat in bed and shook their snow domes.

"It's snowing sugar," Basch said.

"Brilliant!" Alfred exclaimed. "We can make a sugarman!"

They all ran around the garden, the kids in their padded up clothes, and the adults in their pajamas. They chased and laughed and caught the sugar in their open hands and mouths.

The sugar was general all over western and northern Canada. It was falling on every central plain, on the mountains, and falling softly in the forests. It was falling, too, on the stray lumber jacks in the forests with wild beards, fighting, with axes, the mad cows that use new, improved Mintofresh.

Back in the backyard, the kids were building a sugarman.

And what about their magic night with Santa? They'd forgotten all about it. When Santa hugged them, he'd taken back all their memories of the night. They remembered, but only in their dreams.

And maybe because of that magic night, as they grew older and became teenagers, then adults, they still did childish things, even when they became very old. Alfred often farted under the bedsheets and giggled, even when he was eighty three. Emil rubbed his nose on other people's shoulders and left a trail of snot on them, even when he was thirty eight. Matthew often rang doorbells and ran away, even when he was ninety one. And Lukas? He was still jumping out of upstairs windows, even when he was a hundred and twenty seven.

(NOTE: This is not over yet! Last chapter comes out tomorrow!)


	25. Chapter 25

If that ending was a bit soppy, here's a different one.

And maybe because of that magic night, as they grew older and became teenagers, then grown ups, they got madder and madder and more and more crazy. Alfred became the most famous bank robber in the world. He didn't just rob the money, he took the buildings as well. Emil became a scientist and invented a way of bringing dead volcanoes back to life. And he invented a microwave that turned nuggets back into chickens. All over the world, mothers and fathers had heart attacks when they opened their microwave doors. Matthew became the prime minister of Canada and went all over the world meeting very important people. But that's not all he did. When he was having dinner with the very important people he'd climb under the table and tie their shoelaces together. Sixteen presidents and twenty seven prime ministers broke their legs while he was prime minister and no one ever caught him because they apparently couldn't see him or even remember who he was. And Lukas? He was still throwing people out of upstairs windows, even when he was two hundred and twelve.

ANOTHER ENDING

If that ending was a bit too violent and crazy for you, here's another one.

And maybe because of that magic night, as they grew older and became teenagers, then grown ups, they became fine, respectable citizens. Alfred always lifted the toilet seat before going for a wee and never, ever did it ob the floor- because it's unhygienic and unfair to people who don't like sitting on wet toilet seats. Emil always put his candy wrappers in the bin and never, ever threw them on the ground- because it's a bad thing to do and makes a mess and ruins the environment and it stops tourists from coming to Canada and spending their money. Matthew always brushed his teeth and never, ever just wet the toothbrush and pretended that he'd brush them- because that's a sneaky thing to do and it upsets the grown ups and you'll need your teeth all your life, for eating food and biting duct tape. Matthew's motto was "My teeth are my best friends". (By the way, he used new, clinically tested Mouthofresh, in the new, improved digital tube.) And Lukas? He was still closing upstairs windows in case someone fell out, even when he was three hundred and seventy six.

THE REAL ENDING

After they'd made the sugarman, they went inside and had their dinner. And it was very nice, especially the spuds and gravy.

THE MESSAGEY BITS

All good stories have messages, and this one has eight of them. Here they are.

1. If your name is the secret trio and you have read this story, your mom says to hurry to the kitchen because your dinner is getting cold.

2. If you're alone in the kitchen and you feel as if someone is watching you, it might just be the fridge.

3. If you're standing near an upstairs window, and boy called Lukas runs into the room, be careful.

4. For healthy gums and that tingling, fresh-breath feeling, use new, improved Smilofresh, with new harmless fluoride.

5. If your name is the secret trio and you have read this story, your mom is getting very annoyed.

6. If you hear strange noises coming from your roof, it's probably just Antonio, practicing for next Christmas.

7. If you're a fly and you live in a country that has no lizards, you should still have your passport ready- just in case.

8. If your name is the secret trio and you have read this story, your mom says she's given your dinner to the cat and it serves you right and you'll just have to make do with a bowl of cornflakes.

So there.

THE END

Hey the secret trio. Your mom isn't angry anymore when she said that she'd given your dinner to the cat she was telling a fib. It's lovely- pasta with meatballs- and there's ice cream after. And, by the way, she has chocolates and other great stuff hidden in her handbag.

FINALLY, THE END


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